I have this thing for falling in love with men who died a long time ago. Jack Kerouac, James Dean, Frank Sinatra to name a few. And the latest to steal my heart: Walt Whitman. Kerouac reflects a lot of Whitman's America and ideals of the beauty of humanity in his book On the Road. I decided if I was truly going to love Kerouac, I needed to read some Whitman. As I skimmed some of his most impressive passages, I came across this one, and the full context blew me away.

"Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of men-go freely with powerful uneducated persons, and with the young, and with the mothers or families-re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem, and have the richest fluency, not only in its words, but in the silent lines of its lips and face, and between the lashes of your eyes, and in every motion and joint of your body."

Beautiful. And my friends wonder why I love men who died 50-150 years ago.

This one is for Andy...

My Dream: 12-6-09

Well, following in the line of nightmares, for about the 3rd night in a row, I am now a mother. But no ordinary mother, I am Padme Amidala from Star Wars married to Anikan Skywalker. Who is now turning to the dark side. But of course, it is set in modernity. My first child has been born- she is beautiful, around 3 years old, and I think I named her Amy. I am pregnant with my second child. There are a few complications and I am planning a home birth. It is Thanksgiving, and I am going into labor. All my family is gathered at the house to eat. My husband (respectively Hayden Christensen in Star Wars garb) is by my side holding my hand as I go into labor. I have my baby... apparently... and sometime during the process, my husband shot a man in the study. What is this? Clue, Star Wars, Thanksgiving nightmare? Anyway, I knew it was him though it would take hours for the police to prove it. But, while he is not looking, so he cannot kill my children, I send my brand new healthy baby ahead of me to Kansas City with my other girl Amy. They will have to wait for me at the helipad for a couple of hours. Yes I sent them in a helicopter obviously. My mom (who is walking around and coordinating our escape) and I take a ferry up to KC. It will either arrive in 12 hours or 1 hour and 47 minutes. On the way, I ask a nearby amusement park to cause a distraction. So they put on a really big show with a bunch of Hawaiian people dancing on a mountain with flowers and Panda bears so we can get away safely. I remember watching the production thinking I could never have enough nerve to dance on the ledge of a mountain... in a grass skirt on flowers. Back to my kids. I am freaking out the whole time even though I'm often out of body. I am crying and asking my mom if everything is going to be okay. I just want my baby, I need to know she's okay and that she won't die. She's so small, she needs her mom. Amy will be so afraid. I need to be there, I'm their mother. I have to make it there right now.

Then I woke up.

Again, ridiculous.

I've got to quit being stressed.

Is every snowflake different?

I start to think it's all connected. That every little thing matters. Everything. Is the whole world just a big cause and effect, like a snowball building impossible speed down a mountainside? And then just as soon as I start to think even what words I type here on this computer sitting in Panera surrounded by unknown souls could quite possibly change the entire course of my life, I decide that NOTHING matters. Nothing. Maybe it's all just like marbles in a jar. Sure, they're in there, but eh, who really cares how many. They just are. My past is my past, it makes me who I am, but it just is. Or rather, it was. The way that I treat people matters only to the extent that it changes them. But, in the end, all the compilation of millions of words and thoughts just ARE.

That is if there is nothing more than humanity. If every little thing matters it will cause humanity to have a superfluous purpose, but a purpose nonetheless. Simply the idea that everything matters will cause us to be conscious of WHY, and of HOW and of WHAT difference it all makes. On the other extreme, if nothing matters it strips humanity of the need to create false purposes and allows us to live as humans, basking in the experience of being human. It would grant us the freedom to truly discover our is-ness, as that is all that there is. That is if there is nothing more than humanity.

But you can see how both of these ideas would eventually lead to a circular reasoning and drive one into the opposite extreme, only in a few years to reverse into the extreme they held before right? So what if there's some hidden truth or purpose. If you happen to believe in the existence of truth, then you also believe in the law of non-contradiction: 2 opposite things cannot both be true in the same place at the same time. Okay, so what if I can hold that none of my beliefs are in any way connected and instead say my beliefs just ARE. What if I don't want to hold beliefs that lead to other beliefs and so on. I'll just let my beliefs exist on their own. Not possible. All of our beliefs come from a baseline. They have to come from somewhere. Even if our foundational purpose changes daily, our beliefs stem from somewhere. Naturalists claim that it is forced upon us by our evolutionary nature- we are given morals and reasoning by evolution. Okay, sure. Whatever. Christians claim that our beliefs come from the creator of belief itself and that each thing we believe has purpose. Okay, sure. And humanists think that humans have innate value granted to them by evolution and that is the crux of their entire mission. But, returning to the idea of truth: if truth is truth then I can most certainly be mistaken. I can absolutely believe something false. Why is this important? Because it establishes that there must be a baseline of truth. If you don't believe in knowledge or truth you've just told me that you have the knowledge of your belief that you assert there is no truth, and that you believe is true. Okay, sure. Whatever. This doesn't apply to you then. The point is that there can be true truth and there can be false truth.

I think truth is kind of like waking up on a saturday morning. It's so so bright, and it hurts your eyes so much, but you know you have to open them to be able to love that day, to be able to interact with the sunshine. And just because you keep your eyes closed does not mean that you can make the sunshine go away, no matter how hard you try. Truth is truth whether you believe it or not, whether you have discovered it or not.