It seems to me the more that I study the more I realize I am so hopelessly ignorant. In my ambition, I want to be able to read the most books, understand the most concepts and have the grades I find so appealing. And yet, that's not the point... For all my theological truth and all of my reason, I will not be changing the world. Of course, I think that there is value in education and learning, but if all I do is spend my time with books and papers, I will never see the truth, experience the truth I so avidly and passionately seek. It is in living the reasons I profess to believe that my life is changed and the lives around me are transformed.
I miss simplicity though. It feels like I am pressured to be able to name drop every famous philosopher and my favorite of their works. That's not why I study philosophy- it never has been. If the philosophy I know cannot teach what Jesus would have me say, it is useless. What are concepts and beliefs if they do not help me to die to myself a little bit more? What is my temporary pleasure and pride in the face of hopelessness that needs the solution I have? I read Kerouac, and for all his troubles and his pain, he had a simplicity of joy and contentment of being human about him. He was always running for the next thing, but his essence was alive, so human. He did not need the foundation of "intellectual snobbery" in order to change the lives around him, in order to grasp, understand, and be passionate about his purpose. What is it that I am missing?
I feel very affected by my culture, very oppressed by certain constructs and expectations. I feel I spend too much of my time defending why I do what I do, or say what I say, or even why I have such an outspoken character instead of being able to live these things. The burden of academia and society weigh heavy on my shoulders as I delve deeper into trying to understand the world around me. My hope is that I will be like Kerouac. May I dispose of society as a way of life and instead enjoy the beauty I find in it, as I freely continue my purposeful journey, running to whatever place will best help me to reflect Power in my weaknesses.
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