corazón roto

Can we be honest? Not depressingly, dramatically, darkly honest.... but a little raw about the way things are. I realize quite well that it is cliché of me to be writing about heartbreak. Let me begin by announcing to the eyes reading this who are exhausted of watching people vomit their innards all over their blog: I'm not writing about myself, though I would eagerly step up to be included with the people who these words silhouette. They are real, strong and dangerous. And, I am proud to stand with them in the risks they take in life. 


People are deeply complex. My mind spun senseless words in a conversation tonight in which I pointed out I could never reduce humanity to the wonderings of my mind concerning the point of their existence, or the  possibility of their uselessness. Humans cannot fit within the boundaries of these questionings. Humans are so intricate that we are all but oblivious to what is really happening inside the walls of our own hearts and minds, let alone attempting to understand the ebb and flow of another's thoughts. They cannot be deconstructed. They can barely be understood. And they can hardly be trusted. Yet, they are beautiful. 


So we pursue other humans, wanting to be a part of their beauty, their stories, and in the reflection of their lives. We find our friends, we find our enemies and we find our lovers. Our lovers we grasp onto, because in them, we see the hope that someone belonging to our present physical world will spend their lifetime listening, cherishing, fighting, searching, wandering, and living beside us. Perhaps some of us have even reached the point that even if we never find the spark of "true love" we would at the least find someone willing to live the rest of their days out, exhausted, laying next to us. So many do find someone. And then so many times, we realize that human is not someone we want to watch the time march by with. Worse, they decide that we cannot pass their days with them, for countless, various and inconsequential reasons- the result is nearly always the same...


Heartbreak. I look into the eyes of those bewildering humans who have become my friends and there is  a little bit of light that goes out in their passion in the midst of heartbreak. You do not talk the same anymore after you have your heart broken. There is an aged wisdom in the youngest of children who have experienced a heartbreak. While their adolescent faces betray them,  uttered words could fool that they have seen things beyond their years. In heartbreak we are beat down, yet we are pulled up into growing up. A tense and impossible paradox. Heartbreak strips us, makes us feel like we're starting over, yet when we come out on the other side, we look back at the mountain range we've crossed and feel that metaphysical years have gone by. We come out wiser, but more somber. Joy is more precious, but love is more fragile. We know what we have to give- so much to offer, but we know what we have to lose- so much to risk. So, they are the brave ones. Sometimes the stupid ones. But everyone wants to love and be loved. Heartbreak will be.  

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. 

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.

I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky. 

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.

How could I not have loved her large, still eyes? 

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her. 

-Pablo Neruda

Love for the Torah

Theodore Tolby's brilliant and dedicated
 painting, "Love for the Torah."

I do not live as I do because I will get in trouble if I don't. I live as I do because Body, Soul and Spirit I am a created being. My Creator is not distant, but active. My life is entwined with His reality. The closer I am to the Creator, the more human I become. How can that be? If I am closer to the Divine that I am more human? Because humanity is meant to be entwined with the Divine... both physically and spiritually. The gap was bridged when Jesus set foot on this earth. The Law was broken when Jesus destroyed the wall separating physical and spiritual salvation. It was broken when Jesus fulfilled the entire Mosaic commandment... and in doing so made it possible for me to be alive. Do I live as I should? Certainly not. I am still apart of a broken and depraved world. "Creation groans..." We as an entire creation, the rocks, the trees, the birds, the children, groan because we know that something is not right. 

In this world I will never be completely whole. I will never be able to look just like Jesus. I am a sinner. Do not console me. I am a stubborn, disgusting, selfish sinner. That is what I am. Yet, in this reality, what freedom! What freedom I have because I cannot do it... no longer am I subject to attempting to follow every passage in the law because I cannot do it, and yet I will still be saved! Because, by the grace and power of the One who created me, I am being restored but not by my own works. Yet, my flesh and my soul remain just as valuable, equally valuable, whether I stand or fall. And so, with creation I give testimony that my value is bestowed upon me not by my obedience of the law, but by the only one who can give value because He Himself CREATED value. 

And now, from where I stand, free from the law, I can see its beauty. And I treasure God's commands in my heart not because I need something to obey but because they are His words, and I can see in them a life that I was meant to live! They bring me freedom from the chaos and hellishness of a world with no authority. In them I find purity and peace. So, my soul is subject to the Spirit who lives within, and my flesh moves and bows to the words of a God who walked the same earth...